Leyahred's me,myself&i

kasal…

leyahred — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:00:12 +0000

my wedding cermony wasn’t really the one that i dreamed of…it was far from what has transcribed into my mind before it took place into reality..not a grandeousie design.

it would be very simple, intimate,and progressive ( i just couldn’t find a correct word for it) and it wasn’t the typical wedding that any girls at my age, less or beyond, planned and wanted..

such idea took place when i first went to the bondoocks and witness such wedding ceremony..it was such a hair-raising and totally dramatic though, i found myself went gaga over it..

it should’ve been simple..

with simple wedding band..of red tapestry.. filled with songs of freedom and love.

with the presence of the toiling masses around, not of prominent personalities.

ended with a vow not only to love each other but to love the oppressed people that we chose to serve, to love and to die for.

wala lang..

leyahred — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:55:52 +0000

having existed for 25 years here on earth made me realized so many stuffs…

that life is filled with choices and on my personal opinion, i don’t believe much on fate or in destiny.. it’s just that certain things happen because it is an outcome of our choices or there are things that just happen because other people’s choices and whether we like it or not we got caught in those choices, and that what i call ” unavoidable circumstances” ( blame it on my perspective..hehehe)

that

questions and blank answers..

leyahred — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:55:23 +0000

maybe or maybe not.. am i lost or something? there are lot things that i need to appease with myself recently.. my marriage is stormy and i dunno where to go next..surely there are lot of stuffs that i need to consider and i must learn to understand them deeply..i even found myself humming so many questions at the back of my head while i am writing this blog what to write next? what are the exact words that i must use or what am i really wanna discuss with this piece??

indeed there is something..i wonder if i am going to figure it out too soon.

her story

leyahred — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:53:25 +0000

my heart was broken just when i read the news yesterday, it read: Girl,11, loses hope,hangs herself… hers is a story of cruelty and depression.

my tears rolled heavily down my cheeks when i read her story. My heart cried in pain. She was still young, so young for her to cut it short..maybe she could no longer find the joy and hope of living or maybe she was just so tired of finding it altogether..

her story mirrors the present reality of our society, of our social structure that is blinded by profiteering and culture of silence of impuntiy… a government that kills its own people either by bullet or by hunger.. her story of dire poverty is no exception, many fellow 27.6 million pinoys are like her, very much like her ,some are still struggling to live and some are in the brink of taking thier lives waiting for the moment when their heart hardened in deep depression that they may no longer be afraid of God nor HELL.

her story is a story of cruelty, amidst her wishes of enjoying life and living it the way those privileged children had lived..of finding no food to eat, of finding no comfort even in her own home, of finding ruthless society that labeled her as eyesore, of finding tears instead of laughters of innocence and childhood memories..of finding her own brothers suffers just like her fate because they are destitute.

her story of being poor..being deprived, being in the condition she doesn’t want to , and if she will be given a chance to choose, i know and we all know she wouldnt want to be poor.

her story is of deprivation.

clueless…

leyahred — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 04:29:56 +0000

i felt like am dumb… the longer i stayed here..i feel like am doing nothing and feel sooo useless.. i need to escape and find new air to breath…uhhmmm if only ive got lots of bucks.. i should’ve been gone here..

at 26…

leyahred — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 10:06:05 +0000

i just turned 26 today.

looking back im still grateful that i am able to enjoy life..funny beause no matter how hard i try to live it the way i wanted it to be but sometimes or most of the time things aren’t falling into places, i still cant have all the things that i wanted, that i am faced with a daily dilemma of working my ass so hard in order for me to have some things that i want or need, perhaps.. maybe thats the essence of living, life could have been sooo dull if one can have all the things she wanted, we will fail appreciate hardships and challenges if all things can be acquired with just a click of a fingers…

i am also grateful for having friends and keeping them with me intact all this time.. although we may not be able to see each other more often as before but i know in prayers and in thoughts they are with me all the time, and just when life strucks me with challenges, i know where to run.. and i know who are those people who catch me eventually if i fall..

i am also grateful for being blessed with two beautiful daughters, who by every passing day, remind me that there is something to hope for and to look forward to.. whose smiles soothes me everytime i feel like screaming (whaaahhh)..whose innocence remind me that i could find peace and serenity in the comfort of their warm hugs,kisses and giggles..when there are times that i feel like giving up, they instead inspired me to move on and face those battles because i am their mother, thier strong fortress and they needed me to be such.

moreso, because of my almost failure marriage has taught me to be keen, patient and objective in dealing with emotions.. though honestly there are times, that i want to give up because my world and my faith for our marriage were totally blown off when i found out that he had an illicit affair.. indeed, i got hurt and it humbled me and realized that those things could really happened in our relationship..the moment i found it out i have foreseen the dark days of our marriage..troubled and shaky relationship. yet, i am so thankful for the support of the people who shared their time and understanding in helping us in rebuilding our relationship and in helping us to view life in a different perspectives, in a different point of view..

i even told my husband that i am hopeful that he wont fail me again this time around.. i maybe so hypocrite if i would admit that i am fine now.. i am not, i am not fully recovered from what had happened, yet i am moving on..i am opening my doors for intimacy ( the situation made me a cold-blooded and vengeful monster i guess) both of us are moving on..

still, i am looking forward for sunny days. yes, i have learned things the hard way, but i am still positive that indeed it made me a stronger and better person.. yes i am 26 and i would like to live my 26th year to the fullest.

when all else fail…

leyahred — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 08:39:54 +0000

we were barely 15 years old, when we first met, she had a slim frame, deep-seated eyes, curly haired and she was friendly… she was a transferee and i was a bit year-older in that school.. we were classmates and later we became friends.. it started out with our casual hi’s and hello’s until our friendship developed, we became closer and we confided our high school secrets, crushes and petty heartaches.. we often found ourselves caught in drinking sessions and cigarette explorations (hehe..charged that to curiosity, u know, were young and adventurous), but that was high school 1o years ago?i guess so..We studied in the same university when were in college and again we found ourselves caught in many rough and tough moments of our college days, this time i guess we were serious in handling life’s complexities and we were also busy fulfilling our dreams, back then.. That was also the time when we discovered new friends, each of us had different sets of friends as well, we would go out and party all night long, and we enjoyed the company of the new acquaintances but at the end of the day, we both knew that we were looking at each others back and found ourselves again leaning on each other’s shoulders when one of us wanted to cry, to scream and just to be with ourselves.. we could talk everything and anything under the sun, no hesitations, no borderline.. ungagged, coz we both know that sometimes we may see things in different perspectives yet we respected each other opinions and decisions on things that matters to us and we come to terms with the fact that we have our own life to live..and we’re just there to guide each other and understand each other especially when we are in the midst of an unseemingly difficult situation.

looking back, i just realized that its been years since we had this priceless bond of friendship.. it even caught in much surprised when i started counting the years that we’ve been together, because honestly i felt like it was just still yesterday when we were young and we laughed so hard over a petty and corny stuffs… yes we’ve seen each other grow up over the years, but the child in us remained strong and i guess that’s one thing that made this friendship so valuable.. also we’ve also seen the woman in us that made us free-willed and stronger as we pass through life’s challenges and triumphed it all.

that’s why i believed that when all else fail..i know i could count on you my friend, my sister, my reflection.

thank you she, for standing by with me as we sailed through the ocean called LIFE.

in minda now

leyahred — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:04:02 +0000

For most people who grew up in Mindanao particularly in the war-torn areas, spent half of their lives fleeing, weeping, in deep trauma,and transferring from places to places where they could outrun the bullets and they could at least feel safe.Their homes where they thought they could find refuge and comfort were the places that torment their very soul, their being..hearing stories such as these, from my fellow social workers who were assigned on these areas brought chill and shiver to my spine… the thought of being hit by a stray of bullet or bullets horrified me, especially when i thought about those little children, fragile and weak..whose innocence were shattered by the echoes of the helicopters, of bombs, of bullets, of weeping mother, brother or sister who had lost a relative and above all fleeing, for their very lives are in danger.. whose dreams were terrified by gory and bloody encounters especially when they became an eyewitness of the death of their very own brother, sister, parents, who by incident died right from their eyes..whose chance of living their childhood instead of playing and laughter were replaced with tears, with fears and with hatred..because they were all victims of UNJUST war.

If only God would give me a chance to speak to HIM, i would asked him to end poverty, to end injustice and to end class contradiction..I remember when i was a little child i would always find myself praying that if God permit i don’t want to experience war (not in this lifetime), but then i also realized that wars do exist because of the violent character of the bourgeoisie society itself.. it wage war to earn profit, because its business…

it wage war just to maintain the power to rule and to maintain the violent and unjust character of our society, .

but i think God also send me a very strong message that if I did not lift a finger, in order to end oppression then bourgeoisie society continue to exist.. unjustified wars just like what happening now in Basilan and Jolo would continue to sow terror.. the cycle of violence, again would never ceased to exist.

decisions

leyahred — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:38:04 +0000

I remember it so vividly the day i made a biggest decision of my life.. a decision to commit myself to a man whom i am going to spend the rest of my life with him.. I even remember how i sacrificed everything my youth, my dreams.. while most of my friends at that time were so busy fulfilling their career and their dreams, here i am fulfilling my commitment to build a happy and a healthy family life, yet i never stopped dreaming, this time my dream is not solely for myself but for my children, for the man that i love and for our family.. yet as we go through our journey, it was a journey that never been so easy.. because were so young we even had a hard time adjusting to our newly found life and even with our differences.. there were times that we found ourselves quarreling even for some petty stuffs, we argued on our different point of views yet despite of that we never shouted at each other nor throw stuffs at each other.. but as always at the end of the day we both decide. .we make decisions on how things must be, on how things should have been, on why things turn out that way… that is why i found it so hard on my part to carry the burden on the fate of our marriage, he said i have the ball if we go on or stop and separate.. especially when i found out just recently that he cheated on me.. it was so tough, when i made a decision for him to get his butt out of our life.. i was so devastated by his wrongful decision by cheating on me..although as of now we both decided again to patch things up for ourselves since we both realized that we still love each other, despite the fact that it would take a lifetime for me before he will be able to gain my trust again, still we both challenged ourselves that we will be able to make it through.. see, though were hurting, but we end up making tough and meaningful decisions for ourselves and for our children.

two rooms and deception

leyahred — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:20:09 +0000

its cold..

very cold.

that you submit yourself and vanished into the abyss of deception.

so cold..

you even found yourself.. making love to her ..

She arched her body, softly.. moaned carelessly that you end up forgetting me..

that night when your heart gone wild and lost me, suddenly.

I am here inside this cold room ..

lying wide awake in our bed..

wondering, where you might been.